The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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