I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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