1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
