i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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