I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
