she takes plan B like it's going out of style
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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