I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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