so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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