I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Someone shit on the floor
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
