So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
