She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
