is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
