You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is it because I queefed?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
