forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
