she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
