I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.