so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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