Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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