yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
