Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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