I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
