I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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