Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
