So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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