There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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