If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.