well I can't set my house on fire every night
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Farmville is her only friend.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
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I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Boobs speak an international language.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
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it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets