I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.