I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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