I will die if light touches me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
