put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
