thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just high enough for therapy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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