Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
