I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
