Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
