Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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