I smell stomach acid.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I fill condoms, not promises.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
