Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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