I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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