I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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