??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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