I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I am midnight drunk by noon
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
