Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
