We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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