my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
