I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
