do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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