I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
