No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize