Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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