Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
