i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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