Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
