I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
