He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm passing your future prison.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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