Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
