Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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