you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
