Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
